My personal burnout story as a pharmacist. Listen as I share my journey, cultural background, and details on the 3 signs/symptoms I displayed during healthcare burnout.
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Mentioned on Ep 02: My personal burnout story as a pharmacist experiencing healthcare burnout early in my career in 2015.
Welcome back to The Burnout Doctor Podcast with your host, Dr. Jessica Louie. Today on episode 2 I’m sharing my personal burnout story in pharmacy as a pharmacist, critical care specialist and Assistant Professor.
Disclosure: I do not diagnose patients as a pharmacist and hold myself to high standards when taking care of family members. When I say diagnose, I simply mean to see the signs and symptoms, put together a differential diagnosis and help a family member seek proper medical treatment and advice in a timely manner.
Welcome back to The Burnout Doctor Podcast, I’m your host Dr. Jessica Louie. Thank you for joining me in this new community. If you haven’t listened to the introduction podcast episode – please head over there to learn WHY I started this podcast, HOW it’s unique, and WHO and WHAT it serves
Today I’m jumping into my own healthcare burnout story. For those who don’t understand what burnout is – you’ll find out more details in the next episode. I will tell you I didn’t know I was experiencing burnout when I was in it – I didn’t know the term even existed.
I’m going to get real and vulnerable here my friends – I will go deeper into my story today than I have before – if you’ve listened to me speak as a guest on other podcasts.
For those who know me well, please know that I’m a very private person so starting online businesses and opening up about my own struggles was a journey for me. When I first opened up my first online business, Petite Style Script, I literally didn’t tell anyone for an entire YEAR of that blog – only my immediate family knew about it – I don’t my best friend 1 year into it – I now know that was me living an afraid and inauthentic life.
I now realize the importance of sharing my own pharmacist burnout story. It creates a safe place, a place where if you’re listening today, please don’t feel like you’re the only pharmacist or healthcare professional going through this.
You are not and you are NOT weak. Deep breath Jessica, let’s do this.
Brief background to set this up – my full education/credentials in episode 1
I am HAPA – half Chinese, half German/Irish – and growing up in an Asian household was both amazing and challenging. For my Asian friends out there, my twin sister and I were held to very high standards within a fixed mindset environment – praises for good grades – A grades – 1st place – high scores on the SAT/ACT – it was not a growth mindset environment – choose your career by 10th grade – go to a top university with your career choice – go to graduate school – get a job and stay in that company for the next 20-30 years.
My cultural background sets the stage. I spent 9 years in training after high school. At the end of my 9-year training process…I took my first job as an assistant professor and critical care pharmacist…within 6 months I was burned out. I started displaying burnout during the last 6 months of my residency and within 6 months of my first job in academia.
I literally was running a sprint during these 9 years
Telling myself I’ll be happy and have a life when…
I finish my bachelor degree
I finish pharmacy school and earn my Doctor of Pharmacy degree
I pass my NAPLEX – the national pharmacy board exam
I pass my CPJE and MPJE- the California and Utah state pharmacy board exams
I finish PGY1
I finish PGY2
I land my first job
I pass my board certification exam in critical care – BCCCP
I get all my research projects published
It never ended, there was always something else to sprint towards.
The finish line never got closer – it was like running on a hamster wheel.
I never took a break – no gap year between undergrad and grad school – I even finished my bachelor degree a year early to save money – limited holidays or vacations – going to a top university was my vacation (as my Chinese dad put it) – work study kept up during the summers – I started working in a hospital my first year of pharmacy school and hospitals never closed – working holidays paid 1.5-2x the pay so I volunteered for them.
I transitioned from a high level of stress to burnout – learn more about this in episode 3 and 4.
I displayed the 3 classic signs of burnout.
Exhaustion – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – living at my job or constantly bringing work home with me – I literally lived in the hospital during my PGY2 – and this was a personal choice – I took on my research projects (prospectively consenting patients and retrospective ones with intense data collection). I never felt fully rested. I either didn’t eat during long stretches of research or over-ate by coping with stress with emotional eating binges. This turned into chronic headaches, neck and upper back pain and GI discomforts so I literally caused physical consequences to myself.
I was angry ALL the time – angry about my research, the profession, the students calling me the Pencil Nazi? And I took out my anger on the people I loved the most – my family and boyfriend.
Cynicism – negative viewpoint / detachment / isolation / why bother?
I had a work bully during my PGY2. What did I do? I retreated, felt isolated and lost enjoyment in caring for her patients. When I came back to Los Angeles, I had a negative viewpoint about the way hospital pharmacists practiced in the area – in comparison to the progressive training program I came from. I started to ask myself, why bother trying to change the profession when no one is listening?
Decreased self-efficacy – low sense of accomplishment. After pouring thousands of hours into prospective and retrospective research studies to have NO new publications to show for it – my research efforts squashed over and over again by journal rejections. I felt totally defeated, letting down my research teams and mentors, helpless and hopeless.
So I coped with my stressed by accumulating #allthethings – cluttered home, bulging closet, “correct” people in my life, new credentials and professional certifications – while feeling burnt out with scattered and unclear goals.
The last 2 months of residency I coped by shopping – I started following petite fashion bloggers and started buying everything they recommended – online and in stores. As an organized person, I literally added each item I bought to an Excel file.
How much did I spend during these 2 months?
Can you guess a number?
$5,000
I took a month off after residency to move and “relax” before starting my career in academia. I beat myself up over the money I spent on clothing – telling myself – I could have gone to Europe or a vacation with this – by the way I’ve never been out of the country but have a passport for over 10 years.
Side note, I don’t carry debt and my parents instilled excellent habits in using credit cards -they are the same as cash and you pay your bill in full each month – and in savings.
Then my aunt died suddenly at age 51.
And I literally blamed myself for not seeing her symptoms sooner. Her cancer could have been diagnosed sooner. If I hadn’t put work first, went up to Northern California, helped guide her ICU care maybe things would have been different. As a critical care pharmacist I held myself to a high standard that was impossible to accomplish. Life showed how short it can be.
This all came to a breaking point at the end of 2015.
What saved me from pharmacist burnout?
I was saved by decluttering and simplifying my life
Marie Kondo’s books and philosophy changed my life. It didn’t happen overnight, it didn’t happen over a few weeks, it took months to declutter my physical space and then my mental, emotional and spiritual space, relearn habits, find myself and my purpose.
And learn what “burnout” was
I didn’t cure myself or solve my burnout
I learned how to reset it
Now I live with intention – being intentional about my finances, health and well-being, relationships and tribe I surrounded myself with – started helping family and friends who noticed the change and this grew into a full business.
This is why I help pharmacists like myself clear the clutter so YOU can make room for what matters most.
And I teach others using my simple framework – The Burnout Doctor Method.
I work side by side my pharmacists and healthcare professionals to help you declutter your homes and minds + reset feelings of burnout. Gives you a step-by-step process, accountability partner through changing those feelings into joyful and intentional living – with more time, energy, productivity, confidence, mindfulness, and overall well-being.
Recap about my pharmacist burnout story:
- Cultural perspective and how my culture played a role in my behavior
- Books
- Carol Dweck on Fixed and Growth Mindsets
- Big Life Journal for Kids
- Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up by Marie Kondo
- Spark Joy by Marie Kondo
- Did I take a break from school or from work?
- What signs and symptoms I displayed from pharmacist burnout during PGY2 critical care and first-year as an Assistant Professor of Pharmacy Practice
- Find out where hospital pharmacy practice is more progressive – can you guess if it’s Utah or California?
- Find out how I coped with stress and burnout (9:50 min)
- Financial Well-Being Starter Kit (11:00 min)
- What saved me from burnout? (13:00 min)
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Note, my views are my own and are not associated or representative of my employer(s).
This podcast is for educational purposes only and not medical advice.
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